A Case Against Using “I” Statements
“You cancelled on me 4 times. I mean, I felt frustrated when our plans kept changing.”
“I” statements. Not “you” statements.
That’s the advice, nowadays: Don’t be too confrontational by saying “You didn’t do [x].” Don’t accuse the other person of doing something wrong by saying “You did [x] again.” Make the conversation about how you feel, not about what your partner did.
Honestly, I don’t buy it. And here’s why.
It’s not about how you feel — it’s about why you feel that way. And you feel that way because of something the other person did. Period.
Otherwise, you wouldn’t be having this conversation with your partner; you would be writing it in your diary.
“I” statements imply that the “problem” is that you feel sad, not that your partner actually did something.
“I” statements are fine for initiating a conversation with someone who is likely to be defensive (though there are better strategies for this type of situation; more later). I understand saying “I feel really hurt about something and I’d like to find time to talk,” but then it’s time to discuss the actual…
