SATIRE

Move Over, Healing Crystals — It’s Time For Healing Yarn

Who needs science when you can believe in the power of interlocked fibers?

Photo by Les Triconautes on Unsplash

It was a dark day when I realized that laying in a bathtub full of amethyst and rose quartz wouldn’t cure my sleep disorder. I know. Shocking, right? All of these internet mom bloggers recommended “healing crystals” and even kindly offered to sell them to me! All I had to do was buy them, put them all around me, charge them in the sun (?), and wait for their powers to come out into the air.

Their powers were supposed to get into my brain. I’m not exactly sure how. Probably via some sort of telekinesis, or maybe it’s something about dark matter — you know, the type of theoretical physics that a software engineer like me would never understand.

Anyway, the rocks were supposed to replace all the hypocretin that my brain doesn’t have. Instead of hypocretin, vaporized (I assume?) amethyst particles would regulate my sleep/wake cycle. Nice! A rare and often misunderstood disease could be cured by rocks!

Anyway, spoiler alert: laying in a tub full of expensive rocks didn’t help, so I did some googling and found some very helpful blogs that told me what I was doing wrong. (I’m glad I found them, too, because I was about to consult a geologist.) Since blogs aren’t always reputable sources, though, I continued my research on health-oriented websites.

According to an article on Healthline that was medically reviewed by a psychologist and nurse:

“It’s not just about their physical care, though. For crystals to work their magic, you mentally have to remove the negative energy or skepticism you may have about their capabilities. It’s important to respect what they can do for you.”

Ohhhhh.

I see. I have to remove the negative energy and skepticism, and believe that healing crystals work. Too bad I had already discarded my massive rock collection. It would be too expensive to try healing crystals again.

I was in despair. If only there were another innocuous item that could cure my incurable sleeping disorder!

Enter: healing yarn.