SATIRE

Move Over, Healing Crystals — It’s Time For Healing Yarn

Who needs science when you can believe in the power of interlocked fibers?

Photo by Les Triconautes on Unsplash

It was a dark day when I realized that laying in a bathtub full of amethyst and rose quartz wouldn’t cure my narcolepsy. I know. Shocking, right? All of these internet mom bloggers recommended “healing crystals” and even kindly offered to sell them to me! All I had to do was buy them, put them all around me, charge them in the sun (?), and wait for their powers to come out into the air.

Their powers were supposed to get into my brain. I’m not exactly sure how. Probably via some sort of telekinesis, or maybe it’s something about dark matter — you know, the type of theoretical physics that a software engineer like me would never understand.

Anyway, the rocks were supposed to replace all the hypocretin that my brain doesn’t have. Instead of hypocretin, vaporized (I assume?) amethyst particles would regulate my sleep/wake cycle. Nice! A rare and often misunderstood disease could be cured by rocks!

Anyway, spoiler alert: laying in a tub full of expensive rocks didn’t help, so I did some googling and found some very helpful blogs that told me what I was doing wrong. (I’m glad I found them, too, because I was about to consult a geologist.) Since blogs aren’t always reputable sources, though, I continued my research on health-oriented websites.

According to an article on Healthline that was medically reviewed by a psychologist and nurse:

“It’s not just about their physical care, though. For crystals to work their magic, you mentally have to remove the negative energy or skepticism you may have about their capabilities. It’s important to respect what they can do for you.”

Ohhhhh.

I see. I have to remove the negative energy and skepticism, and believe that healing crystals work. Too bad I had already discarded my massive rock collection. It would be too expensive to try healing crystals again.

I was in despair. If only there were another innocuous item that could cure my incurable sleeping disorder!

Enter: healing yarn.

That’s right, gentlepeople. Yarn. Interlocked fibers that come in a myriad of colors and textures. If you remove your skepticism and just believe in the power of these fibers, they will work their magic.

Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash

It’s easy. You just buy a lot of yarn. It has to be healing yarn though, so you have to buy it from the right person. This way, their healing powers can transfer into the yarn via special atoms and electrons. Electrons are charged with negative energy, so they just naturally suck all of the negative energy out of you! Ah, the miracles of science!

Each color of yarn does something different. You can choose yarn based on their hex codes. If you don’t know what hex codes are, you can ask a web developer. Or you could just become one, since you’ll be able to do such things once you’re fully healed.

Anyway, you just have to choose the right colors of healing yarn.

R. A. Nonenmacher, CC BY-SA 4.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

After you choose the right color, you snuggle with the yarn when you go to sleep at night and the fibers warm up from your body heat and transfer the electrons and atoms into the air, where they zap up your ailments. That’s it!

But how do you know which color is the right one? It’s complicated. This is why you should work with a highly specialized and well-trained yarn healer.

Yarn with the hex code #BA55D3 (Medium Orchid) made me lose 5 pounds. I could have lost 10 pounds with #663399 (Rebecca Purple), but I like my curves, so I opted for the former. Dodger Blue (#1E90FF) made a special someone tell me that I’m cute (aww). Most importantly, though, #BC8F8F (Rosy Brown) simply zapped away my narcolepsy so that I could have refreshing sleep and no longer have medication and caffeine for breakfast. A true, fibrous miracle indeed.

Long story short, healing crystals are so 1999. Healing yarn is where it’s at. As long as you sleep with the yarn every night, somehow, magically, pseudoscientifically, everything will be okay.

This article is satirical. Healing crystals are a joke and interlocked fibers and “energies” don’t heal anything. Facts are facts and science is science. Connect on LinkedIn.

technical writer • site reliability engineer • engineering leader • all views are my own • kerisavoca.com 👩🏻‍💻

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