Wee-ooo wee-ooo! by Zhen Hu on Unsplash

Nothing’s Going Your Way? Just Declare A State of Emergency!

It doesn’t even have to be a real emergency.

Good news, everyone.

Effective immediately, if something isn’t going the way you imagined, you can just shut the whole thing down and declare a state of emergency.

What is a state of emergency?

We’re not exactly sure. But as soon as those words are invoked, you’ll gain access to numerous special privileges, including, but not limited to:

The ability to cancel meetings and social engagements.

Because of my co-workers’ intransigence about the great importance of My Mood, I am Respectfully cancelling my very important meeting with My Boss today. My warmest regards and apologies to Everyone!

You don’t have to go to that important event because it’s a state of emergency. If you go, people will think there’s not really an emergency. So don’t go. Make sure everyone realizes how serious the emergency is.

The ability to stop paying your employees.

Or your rent, or whatever. If it’s a state of emergency, you’ll have to divert all of your money to the emergency, whatever it may be. We’re in full-on shutdown mode until the emergency is over, whenever that will be. You don’t have to pay for anything in the meantime. People will understand, because it’s an emergency.

I don’t care that my gas bill isn’t getting paid. I will stop my shutdown as soon as we are all in agreement! I’m ready to pay my gas bill. EVERYONE ELSE is stopping me by Refusing to Cooperate.

The ability to shut everything down.

That’s right — it’s your way or your way. Or you can shut it all down.

Just imagine: you had a rough day at home. There’s a big mess and nobody wants to clean it up. So guess what? You can shut it down. Nobody will do the dishes, the laundry, take showers, clean the toilets, or check the mail until your demands are met. You might even turn off the electricity. TAKE THAT!

The ability to make unreasonable comparisons, because it’s an emergency and you need all the support you can get.

You know, this whole emergency — whatever it is — is a severe emergency. To prove it, you can tell everyone that prominent people (like the Obamas — yes, cite the Obamas if you can) agree with you.

The best part is that you can declare a state of emergency even if there isn’t a real emergency.

Let’s say there’s a project that you want to do at work, but your co-workers think it’s a terrible idea. Your subordinates just aren’t supporting you. Some of them are even talking in the break room about how they don’t believe in your project, and how they are not willing to work overtime to get it done.

Shut 👏 it 👏 down 👏!

Declare a state of emergency and shut down the whole business. And all related businesses. Don’t worry about how it affects other people. You’re doing this to teach them a lesson, because you care about them.

What’s the emergency, though? The emergency is that it’s an emergency because nobody is willing to try your idea, and without your idea there will surely be an emergency, so you have to scare them a little by saying there’s an actual emergency because there’s PRACTICALLY almost an emergency, potentially. Get it?

If it’s serious, unexpected, potentially dangerous, and if it requires your immediate attention, you’ve got the green light! It’s an emergency! 🚨🚨🚨
Oh, wait… it has to be an ACTUAL emergency?

So, let’s get right to it.

The next time you get fed up with your co-workers or your family: declare a state of emergency and stay home that day. And every day, until you get what you want.

The next time your friend wants to see Movie A but you want to see Movie B: state of emergency. Nobody will be going to the movies for the foreseeable future.

The next time you have an argument with your significant other about what to have for dinner: you know what to do. Sound the alarms!

You can brush aside all of your responsibilities, avoid helping others, stop paying your debts, and pressure those around you to give in by telling them that you had no choice but to declare a state of emergency, and that the shutdown is absolutely not your fault.

Surely, after a few days of this hell, they’ll give in. Right?

technical writer • site reliability engineer • engineering leader • all views are my own • kerisavoca.com 👩🏻‍💻

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